Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Phone Salesman

            My wife and I just purchased new phones, and to some this might not be a big issue. To us it is a pit where money just disappears. We always start by saying that we want just a super basic phone. "We just need the basics you know, a few minutes to split and texting." Without fail it turns into an all out term paper that has three credible sources that site why one phone is better than the others, and which company will be best for service. (Our house is the only house on the block where any and all service vanishes, and one bar is something to be coveted)
            Before this endeavor, we talked about our last "experience" that we had at the store. To my wife, the salesman was rude, and encouraging me to buy the top of the line phone that I didn't need. It just so happens that the man that sold us the fancy phone last time still held the same position at the same store, and was the only available person to help us. Well shoot dang!
            We happened to have done really well this go around, and no blood was shed. (lucky for the salesman) Here is where things got tricky. Our 10 month old son had come with us. He is about the best child in public. He will play with you, high five you, and mean mugs you when he wants you to laugh. This was supposed to be a quick trip to the phone store, so why would any responsible parent bring the diaper bag? Well, he took advantage of this opportunity and dropped a nasty deuce. With all the discretion that I had, I quietly lean in and whisper to my wife that he went number two.

            The poop incident would have been fine, but once the salesman noticed the smell, he decided to tell us that it ok, and he knows when his two year old daughter soils herself because she does stuff on her stomach so it won't squish the poo. In a room full of customers, he thought that the issue my wife and I were whispering about would be a good time for him to plug himself as a good dad for noticing his child's behavior about her doing her business. Salesman you are now 0 for 2.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Getting Back Into It

                It has been a long while since I have decided to write, but now seems like the most appropriate time. The past year has been quite the roller coaster ride. I am now a father of a little man (He is the size of an toddler at 4 moths so man is the correct term I think). Life has been busy and that is just more material to work with. Because this blog is about random, weird, and most of the time inappropriate conversations. I really want to come back with this beauty of a story.
                This past week I had to get "certified" to drive a forklift at my job. This came at a terrible time for me. As a bookkeeper the beginning of the year is the time of year to recycle and prepare for the rest of the year. Being somewhat tense, and irritable combined with the loose relationship that I have with my bosses created an interesting month.
                In the span of two days I was able to say some pretty regrettable things. First was my boss "El Jefe". He is always ragging on me for not wearing my tie while at work. I deal with numbers and papers all day, the tie is more of nuisance than professional. His way to drive home his point is to pretend to flick me in the neck. On this particular day he was extra anal about my tie. Finally he is in my office and looks right at me and hold out his hand ready to bury his finger into my neck and says, "Chris, I just want to hit you one time in your throat so you will get the hint."
                There was no lapse in time for me to even think. The first thing to come to my mind is the first thing to come out of my mouth. Without missing a beat I responded, "Why so I can gah gah gah (gagging noise for 10 seconds), like I am deep throating an elephant."
                As I laughed for a full minute, El Jefe just stared at me and realized that he couldn't say anything to that. He made for the door four times, but each time he stopped and started to say something but held back. Finally, the only words that he could utter, "You are disgusting." Sadly, I have to agree on this on.