Wednesday, December 28, 2011

The White Sheep

            Since I had already written about the black sheep of the group, I think that it is only fitting to write about the white sheep of the group. The lady that is completely innocent to the world. It just so happens that this particular lady is my wife. I truly think that she has never had a "dirty" or "mean" thought about anyone in her whole life! I love this woman dearly, and hope that she never changes. There are many reasons why I want her to stay the same, but one in particular is her inability to pick up on innuendos.
            We love the holidays because it is a great time to show your love for others through a very superficial way of gifts. Well, a family that we are close to has a son that is almost three, and so we thought that is would be a great idea to get him Kung Fu Panda 2 (Mostly because every time I walk into a retail store, that move was playing, and I got hooked). We of course gave it to Atticus (the little boy), and sat down to watch this movie. If you know anything about this movie, you know that a panda use to work with his father (a goose) in a noodle shop. Then the panda is pick to the dragon warrior, and all the while Atticus' dad and I are joking about noodles in a very inappropriate way.
            At some point in the movie the panda is on his back, lifting his head up as much as possible, sticking his tongue out trying to eat this one little dangling noodle. Kyle, Atticus' dad decides this to be the perfect time to crack another joke. He glances to his wife, and says, "That reminds me of you, when you want a special noodle." Of course he said it loud enough for the adults to hear, and I started to bust up laughing.  His wife is now completely red in the face, is giggling out of embarrassment.
            Curious as to why only Kyle and I were laughing, i looked to my wife, and she was puzzled by the statement. She is just staring at us and finally breaks down to say, "It isn't safe to eat noodles on your back like that. You could choke." Now Kyle is laughing even harder, and I leaned in to my wife and explained to her that the "noodle" was a metaphor for something else. My is a dark skinned lady and I kid you not, the bright red on an HD TV wasn't even close to how red her face became.
            After the movie she didn't say much, but what she did say will stick with me forever. "Boys... I tell you, you are just dirty filthy creatures. No wait, you're men! Not boys! Men are the dirty filthy creatures!" Priceless.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The Holiday Spirit

                Christmas time is just one of those special occasions. To some, it is all about the food! Others get a kick out of giving a crazy amount of gifts they can't afford. My personal favorite is the swindler. Most people believe that the best time to do your Christmas shopping is on Black Friday, but the swindler knows that anytime after thanksgiving is the best time for shopping. In truth swindlers probably sleep in on Black Friday, awake from there slumber by the sound of the news on the TV talking about how Target had to use mace to control the crowd at midnight because people are crazy!
                I can say this because I have dabbled in the retail game, and people go nuts around the holidays. Now, if you have ever in your life worked in retail around the holidays, you know that you get in a ridiculous, and I mean a RIDICULOUS amount of "seasonal" merchandise. This "seasonal" merchandise ranges anywhere from the newest pillow pet, to almond bark (that is apparently pretty hard to find the other 11 months of the year) to a $600 3 piece lithium drill set, to the ugliest comforter set that matches the puke green curtains, to wooden boxes with stenciling on them that cost $49.99. The Christmas spirit in retail is as green as the furry coat of hair that covers the Grinch.
                Although, what I absolutely love about retail is how hard a manager will try just to please one customer. This is where the swindler comes in. The swindler will come in the middle of December and find all the crap that they want to buy from that store. They will just fill the cart to the brim, stop at the front desk, and ask, "Can I speak with your manager?" Most swindlers are not stupid. They won't settle for an assistant manager, they want the store manager. The swindler will do that because they only want to ask once for the deal. The deal being, a reduction in price for pretty much everything in the cart for the price that it was on Black Friday, like the $600 3 piece lithium drill set that was on sale for $299.
                Most people would read this and think that this is insane for a couple of different reasons. First, who is dumb enough to not understand how a simple ad works? Second, what kind of manager has absolutely no back bone to tell a moron no? In short, I think that almost every manager will crumble in that situation. For the simple fact that the swindler will ask to borrow their phone to call the boss of the manager, to say that the unhelpful manager refuses to give good customer service. The last thing the manager wants is to have his boss chew him a new one, and have to answer why he is turning a customer away that is willing to spend money at their store.
                I always thought that the holidays were such a great time as a child. You got to have Christmas break, hot chocolate, and snowball fights. As an adult, I now realize that the holidays can be a stressful time. Especially when you have to meet the greed of retail out of love for your child. As a consumer, I personally would like to thank all the kind people that work in retail, and piss on all the unkind people.

                The Swindler