The Phone Salesman

            My wife and I just purchased new phones, and to some this might not be a big issue. To us it is a pit where money just disappears. We always start by saying that we want just a super basic phone. "We just need the basics you know, a few minutes to split and texting." Without fail it turns into an all out term paper that has three credible sources that site why one phone is better than the others, and which company will be best for service. (Our house is the only house on the block where any and all service vanishes, and one bar is something to be coveted)

            Before this endeavor, we talked about our last "experience" that we had at the store. To my wife, the salesman was rude, and encouraging me to buy the top of the line phone that I didn't need. It just so happens that the man that sold us the fancy phone last time still held the same position at the same store, and was the only available person to help us. Well shoot dang!

            We happened to have done really well this go around, and no blood was shed. (lucky for the salesman) Here is where things got tricky. Our 10 month old son had come with us. He is about the best child in public. He will play with you, high five you, and mean mugs you when he wants you to laugh. This was supposed to be a quick trip to the phone store, so why would any responsible parent bring the diaper bag? Well, he took advantage of this opportunity and dropped a nasty deuce. With all the discretion that I had, I quietly lean in and whisper to my wife that he went number two.

            The poop incident would have been fine, but once the salesman noticed the smell, he decided to tell us that it ok, and he knows when his two year old daughter soils herself because she does stuff on her stomach so it won't squish the poo. In a room full of customers, he thought that the issue my wife and I were whispering about would be a good time for him to plug himself as a good dad for noticing his child's behavior about her doing her business. Salesman you are now 0 for 2.

Getting Back Into It

                It has been a long while since I have decided to write, but now seems like the most appropriate time. The past year has been quite the roller coaster ride. I am now a father of a little man (He is the size of an toddler at 4 moths so man is the correct term I think). Life has been busy and that is just more material to work with. Because this blog is about random, weird, and most of the time inappropriate conversations. I really want to come back with this beauty of a story.

                This past week I had to get "certified" to drive a forklift at my job. This came at a terrible time for me. As a bookkeeper the beginning of the year is the time of year to recycle and prepare for the rest of the year. Being somewhat tense, and irritable combined with the loose relationship that I have with my bosses created an interesting month.

                In the span of two days I was able to say some pretty regrettable things. First was my boss "El Jefe". He is always ragging on me for not wearing my tie while at work. I deal with numbers and papers all day, the tie is more of nuisance than professional. His way to drive home his point is to pretend to flick me in the neck. On this particular day he was extra anal about my tie. Finally he is in my office and looks right at me and hold out his hand ready to bury his finger into my neck and says, "Chris, I just want to hit you one time in your throat so you will get the hint."

                There was no lapse in time for me to even think. The first thing to come to my mind is the first thing to come out of my mouth. Without missing a beat I responded, "Why so I can gah gah gah (gagging noise for 10 seconds), like I am deep throating an elephant."

                As I laughed for a full minute, El Jefe just stared at me and realized that he couldn't say anything to that. He made for the door four times, but each time he stopped and started to say something but held back. Finally, the only words that he could utter, "You are disgusting." Sadly, I have to agree on this on.

The Most Common Rivalry

                The most common rivalry known is probably the oldest rivalry. Being a snotty child, I thought  that it was between a parent and child. I wish that were true. As a soon to be parent, I have come to realize that it is nowhere close to the rivalry between a husband and wife. I have been married for only a short time, but in those couple of years I have managed to lose sight of what it meant to be a good husband.

                At first I thought a good husband had to give his wife everything. I thought for sure that if I gave my wife 100 percent of me to her and vise versa, there would be no possibly way that we could ever find ourselves in talks where divorce seems like the light at the end of the tunnel. Most couples that were together longer than us scoffed at that. My response would always be, "When did you start loving yourself more than your spouse." In truth, that is what it boils down to. Every decision is what does she want verses what do I want. The easy decisions are the one where both see eye to eye and the best option is accepted by both parties. The trouble really comes in when you are on two different pages of two different books that are in two different countries in two different worlds! The obvious choice in my eyes is seen as the worst possible path in my wife's eyes. LET THE ARGUMENT BEGIN!

                I have figured out many things that help tremendously when the wife and I get in a bind. Just because we found good techniques that help with our arguments doesn't mean that we use those techniques.  It would seem that more often than not I look at those helpful hints, and do the exact opposite of that. I am not a terribly emotional person on the outside, and when I am mad or upset I just get real quiet and let my wife finish everything thing that she is saying. This is a prime example of how I do the opposite of what is crucial in us making progress. I know that I should communicate with my wife about what is bothering me.

                To make matters worse, is that people in general go to extremes when arguing. Silence is on one end of the spectrum, and on the other is the person who cannot stop themselves from pointing every little thing that bugs the crap out of them. The best one that I have heard so far is, "When you sleep, the way you breath is annoying." I can understand if the person snores or something, but the "annoying" part is that the person was exhaling... that was it! it is hilarious in hind sight, but in the moment it is the icing on the cake that is screaming YOU ARE NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR!

                Of course it isn't just the way someone breathes that drives the wedge between a couple (unless they breath like a Pug...then it's understandable). But rather it is thirty things that are constantly overlooked every day that just bother you a little more and a little more and on that one starry night... you breathed. I wish that it didn't happen, but it does. People get mad at other people all the time. The only difference is that with others, you haven't invested your entire life with them, you haven't made them your first priority. Whereas with your spouse, you have. That person is your everything, the one that you are jealous of because they seem to be perfect in some areas, and you want to be a part of them and share a life full of love and happiness and well... just plain be fulfilled by the presence of that special somebody.

                I tell you the truth when I say that my wife is like hitting a grand slam in the seventh game of the world series in the bottom of the ninth, and let me tell you why. She cares for me, she tries to make me happy on a regular basis (on the same note, she usually desires sex more often than me! JACKPOT), and most importantly she steps outside her comfort zone(s) to be completely vulnerable with me. She is the woman that I love more than anything (including myself). Talk about lucky.

                A parting word of advice, women be more like my wife and make those characteristics your characteristics, and your husband will be a happy man. For the men, protecting the feelings of your vulnerable wife may seem like the best option, trust me just be honest. One last thing for all, most times there is no right and wrong, so try not to make the point that you are right and they are wrong. Just know that you both are invested and investments do better when the company is working as a team towards the goal. Divorce is a path that no one wants to walk. So work it out, and TRY to be reasonable and sensitive to the person that you love the most.

The White Sheep

            Since I had already written about the black sheep of the group, I think that it is only fitting to write about the white sheep of the group. The lady that is completely innocent to the world. It just so happens that this particular lady is my wife. I truly think that she has never had a "dirty" or "mean" thought about anyone in her whole life! I love this woman dearly, and hope that she never changes. There are many reasons why I want her to stay the same, but one in particular is her inability to pick up on innuendos.

            We love the holidays because it is a great time to show your love for others through a very superficial way of gifts. Well, a family that we are close to has a son that is almost three, and so we thought that is would be a great idea to get him Kung Fu Panda 2 (Mostly because every time I walk into a retail store, that move was playing, and I got hooked). We of course gave it to Atticus (the little boy), and sat down to watch this movie. If you know anything about this movie, you know that a panda use to work with his father (a goose) in a noodle shop. Then the panda is pick to the dragon warrior, and all the while Atticus' dad and I are joking about noodles in a very inappropriate way.

            At some point in the movie the panda is on his back, lifting his head up as much as possible, sticking his tongue out trying to eat this one little dangling noodle. Kyle, Atticus' dad decides this to be the perfect time to crack another joke. He glances to his wife, and says, "That reminds me of you, when you want a special noodle." Of course he said it loud enough for the adults to hear, and I started to bust up laughing.  His wife is now completely red in the face, is giggling out of embarrassment.

            Curious as to why only Kyle and I were laughing, i looked to my wife, and she was puzzled by the statement. She is just staring at us and finally breaks down to say, "It isn't safe to eat noodles on your back like that. You could choke." Now Kyle is laughing even harder, and I leaned in to my wife and explained to her that the "noodle" was a metaphor for something else. My is a dark skinned lady and I kid you not, the bright red on an HD TV wasn't even close to how red her face became.

            After the movie she didn't say much, but what she did say will stick with me forever. "Boys... I tell you, you are just dirty filthy creatures. No wait, you're men! Not boys! Men are the dirty filthy creatures!" Priceless.

The Holiday Spirit

                Christmas time is just one of those special occasions. To some, it is all about the food! Others get a kick out of giving a crazy amount of gifts they can't afford. My personal favorite is the swindler. Most people believe that the best time to do your Christmas shopping is on Black Friday, but the swindler knows that anytime after thanksgiving is the best time for shopping. In truth swindlers probably sleep in on Black Friday, awake from there slumber by the sound of the news on the TV talking about how Target had to use mace to control the crowd at midnight because people are crazy!

                I can say this because I have dabbled in the retail game, and people go nuts around the holidays. Now, if you have ever in your life worked in retail around the holidays, you know that you get in a ridiculous, and I mean a RIDICULOUS amount of "seasonal" merchandise. This "seasonal" merchandise ranges anywhere from the newest pillow pet, to almond bark (that is apparently pretty hard to find the other 11 months of the year) to a $600 3 piece lithium drill set, to the ugliest comforter set that matches the puke green curtains, to wooden boxes with stenciling on them that cost $49.99. The Christmas spirit in retail is as green as the furry coat of hair that covers the Grinch.

                Although, what I absolutely love about retail is how hard a manager will try just to please one customer. This is where the swindler comes in. The swindler will come in the middle of December and find all the crap that they want to buy from that store. They will just fill the cart to the brim, stop at the front desk, and ask, "Can I speak with your manager?" Most swindlers are not stupid. They won't settle for an assistant manager, they want the store manager. The swindler will do that because they only want to ask once for the deal. The deal being, a reduction in price for pretty much everything in the cart for the price that it was on Black Friday, like the $600 3 piece lithium drill set that was on sale for $299.

                Most people would read this and think that this is insane for a couple of different reasons. First, who is dumb enough to not understand how a simple ad works? Second, what kind of manager has absolutely no back bone to tell a moron no? In short, I think that almost every manager will crumble in that situation. For the simple fact that the swindler will ask to borrow their phone to call the boss of the manager, to say that the unhelpful manager refuses to give good customer service. The last thing the manager wants is to have his boss chew him a new one, and have to answer why he is turning a customer away that is willing to spend money at their store.

                I always thought that the holidays were such a great time as a child. You got to have Christmas break, hot chocolate, and snowball fights. As an adult, I now realize that the holidays can be a stressful time. Especially when you have to meet the greed of retail out of love for your child. As a consumer, I personally would like to thank all the kind people that work in retail, and piss on all the unkind people.

Sincerely,

                The Swindler

Bible Lessons at Work

                Most people I know I have met through certain settings, which allows me to judge there character based on this. I met some really nice people when my wife and I went on our trip to Cancun. After a few questions were asked, we knew right away if we should chit chat or run like the resort was on fire. The beauty of it was that we got to choose who we talk too. When we came back to our regular lives, I noticed that for eight hours of my day I couldn't run like crazy from certain people.  The work place is that place where no matter what, everyone has an opinion and you just can't spend all day in the bathroom trying to get away.

                Seeing as how I can't just ignore twenty odd voices at any given time, I tried selective hearing. This is how I arrived at Bible Lessons from Work. When I was eighteen or so, I always joked about the creepy old man that could never just be happy. Well, little did I know that when I got my first job I would be working with two creepy old men! These two guys were almost normal on the outside, but twisted mad on the inside. The first old man Gary, wanted to teach me about God. The only problem was, he only remembered one thing from Sunday School back in the early 1900's. He proceeded to tell me how the Pastor or Priest (he couldn't remember if they were Christian of Catholic) said, "If you really want to upset God, mess with his timing." Gary now staring at me like only a creepy old man can, asks me if I know what this means. Still immobilized by the glare, I just shrug my shoulders. Gary pipes up with, "All you have to do is kill yourself. You know commit suicide." My boss, the psycho is hearing this and feels obligated to ask, "What if it is suicide by cop? Like when you start shooting a bunch of people, the cops show up and you only give them the option to kill you?"

                I wish that I could tell you that all this is a rouse. However, this is a real life conversation that took place. I can't tell you how we started on this path, but I can tell you that the feeling dogs get that makes the hair on the back of their necks stand up is the same feeling I had because all the hair on my body was at attention.  When I tried to slip away, Gary roped me back in with the comment, "No, If some else kills you, In God's eyes your good."

                In hopes that it was all over, creepy old man number 2 David is in on this conversation. David needing to be heard, decides to lead out with, "Well you know, the more people you kill the higher you will be in heaven. Haven't you ready the old testament. Nations would just war with each other, and whoever killed more were the ones who were 'chosen' by God. So think on that one." The psycho boss didn't have to think very hard before he decide to ask, "Where does that leave Hitler?" David must have argued this point before because he didn't miss a beat, "In the middle."

                Now I am not the most educated person in the world, but there are a few things I do know. One of those things, is that in the Bible, the chosen people were the Jews, and Hitler was one of those people that really didn't like Jews. Therefore, I feel like the conclusion of him being in the middle is wrong. In hindsight I can only express how I felt that day as truly going through the range of emotions. It starting with uncomfortable, leading into fearing for my life, and ending in laughter. When I replay that time in my mind, I start to giggle and just hope that I don't turn into that creepy old man.

Black Sheep

You know how you can spend time with a certain group of people, and in every group there is the one guy who is for sure the black sheep. Well, I play poker Thursday nights, and Rob is that black sheep. This guy could be seen as crazy, but truthfully he is just a little off. The first time I met this guy, we did the standard greeting followed by the question that threw me for a loop. "So Chris, what's your credit like?"

This being the first time that I have gone to play poker at this persons house, I had to ask, "Whats the buy in again?" If this guy is asking about my credit, I wanted to be clear that it was just fifteen dollars, and not something like fifteen hundred dollars. He chuckled, and by chuckled, I mean that when he laughs his whole body looks like it is jumping up and down.

After cultivating a good conversation with this guy, I finally asked him why he wanted to know what my credit was like. He told me about his business venture, and how he needs investors. By investors, he means me. I like helping out people, so I asked what my money would be working towards. With a twinkle in his eye like I was the first person to ask this question, and his grand idea was about to revolutionize the world, and now starting to smirk, he responded...robots.

Unsure of how to take this, because I am still not quite positive if he is just messing with me, I smiled. I thought that a polite smile would have been better than hitting him with mockery and ridicule. I wish I would have hit him with it. As the rest of the people returned to the poker table, Rob has now started to come unglued billowing, "He has seen the light! A man that can see a beautiful opportunity to invest in the future!"

Every person at that table was wide eyed, and jaws on the floor. I of course was the one that was almost sent into shock by these thunderous words. With Rob staring at me, like his wolf pack just grew to 2, I had to kindly inform him that I was not in a position to invest at this time. I apologized for possibly leading him to believe that I was saying yes to be his sole investor in his idea of robots. This is the delicate of me saying that. I almost chose to go with your crazy, I just met you and you want thousands of dollars from me right now for a one word idea with no plan to follow.

When later asked about it by the friend that invited me to the poker game, I had troubles explaining. He asked me what i said to Rob to give him the impression that I would like to invest with him. All I could say was, I just smiled at him. Since then, i have gone to play poker there for a few years, and now being a part of this group, I can only say... Thanks Rob for being the Black Sheep, I have come to tears in laughter because of you.